This article might spark some controversy, but just hear me out. You should ditch your birth plan. I’m not speaking out of anger or bitterness or disappointment; quite the contrary. I’m coming from a place of love, understanding, and concern. I’ve been apart of a lot of different parenting advice and support groups for the last 5 years. The groups range from typical parenting advice groups, to more complicated ones that involve certain diagnoses, including ones that I had during pregnancy as well as postpartum. Often times I see posts from frightened first time moms-to-be, particularly in the groups where a diagnosis affecting the baby in utero is the main focus. Desperate for advice and to find the answers they want to hear, these moms ask for others to share their birth stories and experiences, hoping that the weighted average will give them the outcome of their intended birth plan. I understand and appreciate the fear of the unknown, but often times they are overlooking the health and safety of their unborn baby and focusing solely on sticking to their birth plan.
Take a peek into any moms group and you will find moms who have planned their pregnancies to a T. They eat healthy, take their prenatal vitamins, rid their homes of any toxic chemicals, and develop the most organic and natural lifestyle possible. When they finally get that positive pregnancy test result, they are glowing with excitement and begin to drift off into a daydream of how their perfect pregnancy is going to progress. They commit to a daily exercise regimen to ensure that their weight gain is within the prescribed range. They envision and plan that their water will break effortlessly at home and they will calmly arrive at the hospital to begin laboring. They will refuse medication or an epidural, as they want this to be a natural labor and don’t want their baby “drugged” when they arrive into the world. They have a strong opinion about having the baby placed on their chest immediately after it is born so that they can have skin-to-skin contact and begin nursing. They have an organized schedule of who will be present in the delivery room, with strict rules about who the first visitors will be, what outfits the baby will wear while in the hospital and on the day they come home. They have a birth photographer lined up to document the delivery and stage photos of the newborn while in the hospital. Another shoot will follow at home a week later with props that accompany a planned theme. Many will opt for a doula and a midwife, and even a water birth. Some will insist on a home birth so that they can be in the comfort of their own bed. Others know from the get-go that they want an epidural because they don’t want to feel any pain. The select few wish for a c-section, maybe so their hoo-ha stays intact, I don’t know?
In a perfect world, pregnancy would be effortless and our ankles wouldn’t swell. We wouldn’t have sweat dripping down the back of our knees or feel like a fire-burping dragon. Our hair would be permanently shiny and vibrant and our skin would always glow radiantly. But alas, the world is not perfect. Life is not perfect. No matter how much planning we do.
My heart breaks when I read comments of moms who are so firmly planted in their beliefs and positions that they fail to realize any alternative that may be out of their control. They unapologetically inflict their strong opinions on others, some of whom have no choice as to how their baby will enter this world. It snowballs into a heated argument that quickly goes south and results in personal attacks. This needs to stop. We need to stop. We all need to put ourselves in each other’s shoes. We need to pause and think about all possible scenarios and how they may impact others’ feelings before giving advice, particularly if it is unsolicited. We need to be realistic.
You are not a failure if you have a c-section. You are not a failure if you succumb to the pain and request an epidural. You created a human being. No matter how long that baby (or babies) stayed inside and no matter how they entered the world, don’t lose sight of the fact that you and your body did something pretty freaking amazing. No one should be made to feel less than for how they delivered their baby.
I had a loose idea of what I wanted my birth plan to be. I knew from the beginning that twin pregnancies come with inherent risks. After discussing twin pregnancies and births with my doctor, I learned that full gestation for twins is considered to be around 37 weeks. I also learned that prematurity is a high risk with twin pregnancies. We set an overall very lax goal and birth plan: get to 36 weeks and see if the twins are both head down. If they were both head down, I could try for a vaginal delivery. Operative word being “try.” If either one of them were breech, we’d do a c-section. I didn’t want to deliver the first one vaginally and then have to have a c-section if the second baby was breech or transverse. I can’t think of any human being on earth that would voluntarily elect to have both a vaginal delivery and a c-section all at one time. That is some sadistic stuff.
At 30 weeks, Baby A (on the bottom) was head down and Baby B was transverse. The doctor cautioned that either baby could turn and there was no guarantee for a vaginal delivery. Additionally, if both were head down and Baby A were delivered vaginally, Baby B could turn once Baby A was out, because it would have more room to flip. So many scenarios. At 31 weeks, I failed my non-stress test and baby A was diagnosed with IUGR: Intrauterine Growth Restriction. This meant that the baby had stopped growing from its last growth scan at 30 weeks until now, at nearly 32 weeks gestation. The babies had to come out. When the doctor came in and told me the news, I quickly digested it and turned to her and said, “let’s do this.” I had an emergency c-section and they were born two minutes apart. I got a brief moment with them both at my head before they were whisked away to the NICU, where they were hooked up to monitors and machines and would spend 3 weeks and 2 months, respectively.
If I had been hell bent on sticking to a birth plan, my babies would have suffered. The exact words of the neonatologist were “the babies are better off out than in.” He was right. It took time and patience, but they are both thriving.
My point is this: first time moms-to-be often lose sight of the end goal-a safely delivered baby. Yes, recovery from a c-section is painful. But guess what? If the doctor is telling you that the situation is concerning and the safest way for the baby to be born is via c-section, take his or her advice. Don’t put yourself or the baby in unnecessary risk of harm. So the birth plan goes out the window. So your vision of a perfect delivery gets muddled. This is not life altering. Safely delivering a baby is. You will have many beautiful moments and plenty of photo-ops with your new baby. It may not be how you envisioned it, but with some improvisation and creativity, you will have a lifetime of keepsakes and memories that you weren’t expecting and probably cherish more than the ones you dreamed of.
Life happens and you have to roll with the punches. Sometimes straying from your intended plan teaches you the most important lesson and gives you the biggest gift. A gift you never imagined would change you forever and in the best way possible.
© Copyright 2018 Twinstant Gratification, LLC
Tamar Blazer is an attorney-turned-twin mom, with a passion for her family, friends, writing, good food, home decor and laughing. When she’s not lamenting on her lack of sleep, you can find her doing one of the too many projects she likes to take on, usually with a twin on either side.
This is such a helpful post! Thank you for sharing!
I had to throw my birth plan out the window with my first, because nothing went as planned. I ended up with a c-section after laboring and pushing for a total of 28 hours. It wasn’t what I wanted or expected, but my son was born healthy and perfect so that’s I that mattered in the end. It taught me so many things about myself and about life to be honest, and I actually wouldn’t have it differently.
I’ve been long done with childbearing, but you give great advice! My boys are now almost 16 and 18.
What an amazing lesson…one that extends beyond just delivering a baby. Flexibility and adaptability are important life skills to practice in a myriad of situations. Your story is beautifully told and the message is clearly conveyed.
I remember wanting to have a birth plan, but was smart enough to realize that “no plan survives implementation. ” I’m glad we kept that in mind because things went very strangely with our first, decently well for our second and absolutely crazy for the third. It’s important to keep in mind that, while it’s good to discuss options and make plans (always good to stay educated), it’s also important to have back-up plans or a plan on how to weather the unexpected. Life is full of unexpected moments. Congratulations (even though very late) on your twins and may your life always enjoy double the happiness.
Not having the birth you envision can be difficult. Going into knowing that nothing is certain is great advice. I’m incredibly happy your story had a happy (healthy) ending.
My birth plan was simply to do whatever my doctor told me to!
Just like with parenting itself, a new mom has to make room and peace with some flexibility! Great post!
I completely agree! I’m glad you are putting it out there. I knew from the beginning that I was going to have an epidural. I wanted to give birth naturally but that didn’t happen and I was just exhausted after not sleeping for 24 hours. And that was ok by me!
I think it is good to have an idea of what you would like to do, but know the other options and be ok if they have to happen. I’ve had an emergency c-section and it is not what I was hoping for, but when I got to hold my sweet baby I didn’t care how she got here just that she was healthy.
I’ve had two c-sections, and everything turned out fine. I grow large babies who don’t want to come out until past the due date, aparrently. So when two different doctors for two different pregnancies suggested c-sections so the babies wouldn’t get stuck, I was all for it. Who cares how? Get the babies out safely for mother and baby.
I’ve never understood the “mommy wars.” You breastfed? Great. You bottlefed? Great. Baby was fed. There’s no blue ribbon when your kid turns 18 if you did something a certain way.
I think we should all support each other. All of it is hard. I think junior high to about age 20 is the hardest. We all need to have each other’s back as we all survive the best we can!
Birth plan is great, but sometimes it doesn’t work like what we want to, the safety of baby and mommy is more important.
Flexibility and adaptability are so important! I think it’s good to be somewhat prepared with information about all your options, but honestly, childbirth doesn’t always go as planned. Great post.
Great birthing story! Mine didn’t go as planned either, but healthy girls were the result so I am happy with how it went!
I’m not a mom, but this is great advice. Planning and expectations can lead to disappointment. And judging others for not doing it “your way” is never a good idea.
I totally agree. My delivery didn’t go as planned also. It is always best to be flexible and keep your babies health in mind. This is such great advice.
I just had my first baby and had similar thoughts. Everyone told me that the more you planned your birth, the more it wouldn’t go to plan. I figured I would trust my doctor and speak up when I needed to in order to be comfortable. And it worked just great.
Precisely! Some things are out of our control. Sage advice. I always slightly resented the natural birthers or nothing crew. Thank you for writing this. And congratulations!
I agree, most mom/parent groups are ROUGH! Things can get straight up brutal in those chat rooms! But you’re right, we all should be looking at the end goal and just hope and pray that those babies are safe in the end and rejoice in the fact that our bodies did something truly amazing, give birth.
When my kids were born no one ever spoke about having a birth plan. You just went to the hospital…haha… I can see how helpful planning and preparing could have been, but rolling with the punches and keeping an open mind is certainly helpful.
Interesting information. Thanks for sharing!
I’ve given birth to 5 babies and NONE were alike. All were vaginal with an epidural but I went with the flow, just in case I was too far along to get an epidural. My first one I wanted to do natural but I was so exhausted from a long day of moving, my baby shower, and contractions 1 minute apart but only dilated to a 3, that I needed to rest or I wouldn’t be able to push him out so I finally changed my plan and asked for an epidural. Baby was out in less than 12hrs from my first contraction so I chose to do epidural for the rest. My second, I wanted her on my chest right away to nurse right away but she pooped before coming out so they had to clean her first. So I waited a bit longer to hold and nurse her. That’s only 2 baby stories and I totally agree that the one in charge is our baby as to how they will be delivered. Just go with the flow and enjoy the moment because there is nothing like giving birth to your own child. <3